I would be lying to say I don't battle with residual layers of internalized ableism. I don't think it would be reasonable to expect myself to unlearn 40 years of life in 9 months, but this is the inner voice I hate the most. And for me, it shows up the most when it comes to "productivity."
I'm wondering if this is common with late diagnosed PDA autistics like myself - or really anyone - who buried themselves in work as a coping mechanism. I've been peeling back these layers of internalized ableism related to productivity for years, long before knowing I'm audhd, and the biggest change I made after diagnosis was the idea that my days do not need to be structured the same because my energy and needs are going to vary widely. Along with that has been trying to remind myself that getting work done in my robe on the couch is no different than sitting at a desk, fully clothed.
I really like to switch up where I get work done - the novelty and control over this sporadic change make my PDA heart so happy. I was on a roll getting a bunch of stuff done on the computer this morning and never even got out of my robe. It's noon and I just finally made a smoothie because I've been getting so much done. But yet... I stood there in my robe after making the smoothie feeling like I've done nothing today... because I'm in my robe? Not in the office?
Rationally it makes no sense. I've done a solid 4.5 hours of work today already today and was internally yelling at myself about having not done anything yet. I had to stop and ask why, and that's when I realized it's that vitriolic voice. The one that says we should do things a certain way - a way that benefits essetially no one other than the people signing the paychecks.
But I don't get a paycheck. No one is signing mine. And it doesnt freaking matter how or where I get things done so long as I'm doing it in a way that isn't exploitative of my own energy and resources. And I would do anything in my power to change the world so that everyone had this option - so we are all treated like people with individual needs that actually freaking matter.
Stay regulated,
Shauna
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