One of the things I've been reminded of as I've explored my inner-child's unmet needs, especially after knowing I'm autistic, is my love of reading and words. I'm not as much of a verbal communicator, but have always voraciously consumed books. This has continued into adulthood, turning more recently to audio versions rather than having to use my sensitive eyes, but my love of words and language as a means of processing and self-expression has never wavered. Obviously I'm sure the fact that I struggle to verbally communicate in the same manner is part of that, but instead of picking at that discrepancy as I have for YEARS ("why can't you just communicate with me?" I am... just not how you want me to, but I digress per ususal...), I'm trying to lean into it. I allowed myself to believe I'm the cold, unfeeling robot others have told me that I am for my entire life because they judged me based on my affect, tone, body language, and trauma responses instead of my heart and the way I loved them.
One of the Eminem songs that has always resonated with me most is The Way I Am...
'Cause I am, whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news every day I am
I don't know, it's just the way I am'
He knew what it's like to be so different on the inside than what everyone else sees and tells you that you are, and the exhaustion of just giving up and letting it happen. This song has been catharsis for me for... years.
Anyway. I'm not as tired these days and I'm ready to define who I am. I'm trying to get on the other end and do more writing because, well, there's still a lot to process. But also, something about diagnosis gave me this.... I don't know, license to do this? I had spent so much of my life trying to stifle feelings and emotion - for SO MANY REASONS - but getting validation that yes, I have intense feelings, and yes I struggle to identify feelings versus emotions, and yes I am hurt more easily than some people, and yes I hold onto things longer than some people, and yes I need to understand the "why" of people's misaligned behavior, and no, that's not a f*cking problem anymore - has been life-changing. I'm embracing it and getting it the hell out of me. Publicly - because what better way to work on shame than intentionally serve your open heart to others on a platter?! Sarcasm, sort of.
Anyway, I'd like to share more of my writing here because it's incredibly cathartic for me, but also, maybe it'll be cathartic for you? Without further ado and if you made it this far... the first dish is just a little appe-teaser, if you will; there's definitely more to come... maybe even a book.
"Maybe, If…"
Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to be autistic
If we actually honored and respected differences
If we didn’t expect everyone to think, act, and communicate the same
Turning the outliers to scapegoats carrying unmanageable loads of shame
Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to be autistic
If people weren’t selfish and opportunistic
Taking advantage of perceived weakness
Instead of recognizing and celebrating uniqueness
Maybe it wouldn’t feel like we have to live in an autistic shell
If we didn’t live in this capitalistic hell
Stay regulated,
Shauna
You should really release a poetry book!! That was amazing!!